So, as I find myself teetering on the edge of yet another real estate deal that may or may not materialize into anything, what I recognize is that I lack confidence. Lack of confidence is really just a fancy way of saying I let fear slip in through the backdoor and hijack my desires. Instead of anchoring my good in faith that things are indeed working out and that the universe supports me, etc. I find myself wondering if it’s okay to be attached to how I want it to turn out. I find myself thinking about how deserving I may or may not be, bracing for the inevitably let down if things don’t go my way.
The part I always seem to forget is that things are always going my way. But what is my way? If I’ve decided my way is to be disappointed, is it any wonder deals keep falling through?
So, I am on a quest to unravel this confidence/faith vs. fear thing. As I comb through material on confidence, the first item I find on the list is defining one’s purpose or goal. This makes total sense – you can’t get what you want till you know what you want.
What is it that I really want? If I don’t know, then perhaps I am sending mixed signals. I know for me part of what happens is that when what I want is in direct opposition to what I think I may be able to get, I bump into problems.
At the risk of sounding superstitious, I think these are the ideal circumstances to demand signs, or what I sometimes call a God wink. I start this with a conversation with God. Perhaps something like this:
“Ok, God, so I find myself once again at the threshold of a deal that would make life so much easier if it were to close, but I’m feeling scared about it. Like I want it too much. Like I’m only going to end up disappointed once again and I am really tired of feeling this way so I’m going to hand the whole thing over to you. I’m letting you know what I want, but I’m not going to dictate what that should look like, because I know You always support me and look out for me and so there is no reason for me to feel afraid. But I want this to be the highest and best for all parties involved, so I am asking for a sign that this is the right thing for me to be putting my energy into it. But here’s the deal, God. I can be a little obtuse from time to time so You need to make it a clear, undeniable sign. Something that the moment I see it, my immediate response will be ‘thank you!’ And just so You know that I am willing to do my part, I going to actively be on the lookout. I’ll be watching for it. And just so we don’t make each other crazy, I’m putting a 48 hour deadline on the delivery, because I need my peace and I’m not going to be feeling peaceful if I’m busy wondering if I’m on the right track.”
Ok, so that’s all fine and good, but what am I supposed to do with myself in the meantime? I recognize that I am always supported, but am I just saying that or am I allowing myself to have that experience of feeling supported? I can’t feel supported if my idea about reality (what is happening) is that it shouldn’t be happening. So the trick is to embrace it all. For me, the challenge arises when I am attached to a certain outcome. But what if instead of thinking of my efforts as wasted energy, I saw them as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. Thomas Edison probably felt like giving up somewhere along the way in his quest in invent the light bulb, but he likely asked himself what he was learning instead. “Failures” are information. If instead of feeling like things have to go a certain way, I could have faith that I am attracting the exact right thing for my highest good, it shifts things. I feel better, I’m not afraid and I can let go of my attachment to what I think it ought to look like. I don’t need to have faith in the deal going through (the thought of which arouses fear), I only need to have faith in God having my back (which makes me feel better). Then I can rest assured knowing that if the deal is in my best interest, it will go through and if it’s not, then it won’t but I won’t need to feel disappointed over it. “This or something better, God.”
So much of it is a matter of self-talk. Does my self-talk feel like false reassurance or am I feeling anchored into it, secure in my faith that I am being supported? I do know that I am supported each and every moment, so perhaps that gives me an advantage. But what if you don’t know that? What if you are plagued with doubts and not even sure God exists much less supports you? What then?
I find it useful to anchor myself in what I know. What I know feels solid. For example, I may know that no matter what happens, I know that I will find a way to make it through because I always have. I know I can and do attract good things when I focus on the positive. I know it’s never helpful for me to allow myself to be fearful, so it’s important to manage those fears.
- I can make a list of all the times I have been successful.
- I can make a list of my blessings.
- I can make a list of my strengths.
Abraham reminds us that we all have an internal guidance system known as our emotions. When we have a thought, we can question it (see Byron Katie’s work) and see how it makes us feel. If it makes us feel crappy, the trick is to find a thought that will make us feel better. Abraham says it feels like relief. So, in my case, it is helpful to remind myself that I know this is a great deal for my client and that I am giving him good guidance. I know that my motives are pure (based on what is best for him and not just what is best for me). I know that my client is capable of doing his due diligence and taking care of himself, that that part isn’t my responsibility. I can know that the offer I submitted is a good offer but still leaves my client plenty of room to back out of the deal if he discovers something that makes him realize he can’t make it work.
Having confidence is being true to myself and my value system and acting in integrity. And it is embracing whatever is happening as the perfect thing that should be happening, rather than trying fighting it. It is going with the flow and letting go of judgment about it, letting go of my ideas about it. I don’t have coerce or manipulate. I don’t have to even try. I can just allow and enjoy what a beautiful day it is. I can choose peace. With peace as my goal, I can have confidence that it will be achieved.