There is only now. Lately, my days have too crowded and as such, my writing has suffered, all of which makes me want to drop out of my life for a while. I know this must be a false belief and that the answer has to be to run into it, yet it frustrates me. I know that I must deliberately hand it to God, which is, unfortunately, often more easily said than done.
“Cause and effect are one, not separate,” we read last night in our ACIM group. Contemplating this, I see that the implication is that I have created this crowding, this sense that time is scarce. “The miracle is possible when cause and consequence are brought together, not kept separate. “
And suddenly, in the midst of the reading and discussion, the answer to what has been haunting me smacks me in the face. I knew that fear was burrowed in the equation, but what I had failed to recognize what that the key to solving it was/is trust. I may be better at trusting God than I used to be, but my “brothers”? Not so much.
“There is a distance you would keep apart from your brother, and this space you perceive as time because you still believe you are external to him. This makes trust impossible. And you cannot believe that trust would settle every problem now. Thus do you think it safer to remain a little careful and a little watchful of interests perceived as separate. From this perception you cannot conceive of gaining what forgiveness offers now. The interval you think lies in between the giving and receiving of the gift seems to be one in which you sacrifice and suffer loss. You see eventual salvation, not immediate results.”
I notice how often I make back-up plans. I feel like I can’t rely on folks to do what they say they will do and so, I hedge my bets against future heartache. Except, I should know better, especially since I know that what makes my marriage work is trust.
Yet trust is one of those things that is only granted after proof of trustworthiness is witnessed. Yet what if I am witnessing trustworthiness only because I have trusted???
Trust seems to be something I am running into a lot lately, or rather lack of trust. I have found myself in the position of mediator on several occasions in the last few weeks and invariably it comes down to a lack of trust.
These issues are not all outside me. None of them are. The “world” is only reflecting back to me what it is that I need to work on.
I have a few investment properties. Not a lot: currently three small, not very expensive properties. All three of them seem to be a source of consternation as I find myself hesitant to trust that the “renters/buyers” can be counted on to follow through the way they say they will. But if cause and effect are one, then it must be that I am the one who can’t be counted on.
All of which leaves me feeling confused and upset.
I don’t trust my tenant to pay me and then wonder how much of their financial challenges I have helped to create through my lack of trust.
“Future loss is not your fear. But present joining is your dread. Who can feel desolation except now. A future cause as yet has no effects. And therefore must it be that if you fear, there is a present cause. And it is this that needs correction, not a future state.”
I am relying on my own strength. No wonder I am terrified!
So much of it is the desire to keep the appearance of separation firmly in place. “If you would keep a little space between you and your brother still, you then would want a little time in which forgiveness is withheld a little while. And this makes the interval between the time in which forgiveness is withheld from you and given seem dangerous, with terror justified.”
Holy fuck! It’s just another ego gambit designed to cling to fear and keep the illusion of separation real.
How often do I resist whatever would remove the illusion of separation? How often do I glom onto my trembling as a shield to hide behind? Constantly, it seems, I find myself noticing fear, and over and over again, I hear the Course in my head. “Fear is your responsibility.” Or more precisely, “The correction of fear is your responsibility. When you ask for release from fear, you are implying that it is not.”
We don’t get to ask God to make illusions real. Whenever I am afraid it is because I am believing in my own miscreations. I don’t know how I am. How often is it that I forget who I am?
“Think you that you can bring truth to fantasy, and learn what truth means from the perspective of illusions? Truth has no meaning in illusion. The frame of reference for its meaning must be itself. When you try to bring truth to illusions, you are trying to make illusions real, and keep them by justifying your belief in them. But to give illusions to truth is to enable truth to teach that the illusions are unreal, and thus enable you to escape from them. Reserve not one idea aside from truth, or you establish orders of reality that must imprison you. There is no order in reality, because everything there is true.”
I recognize that it is the belief in separation that justifies the lack of trust I feel. It is done unto me according to my beliefs, so it makes no logical sense to allow fear to come in and interfere with my desires.
Which probably means I need to work on the “trusting my brothers” thing. It’s not really fair to them or me to act as if they are not trustworthy. Perhaps when I become practiced enough to trust fall into their arms, I will indeed know what Heaven is.
As today’s review lesson says, “God is my Source. I cannot see apart from Him.”
Right. I’m pretty sure God isn’t allowing illusions to rob Him of His trust is us.
Namaste, my friends, Namaste.