It snowed last night. Nothing major. It was a mere inch or two that covered the trees and ground, but I am scheduled for duty at church for first service so staying in is not an option. But in truth, I just want to hunker down. Jay is still in bed and I’d forgotten how much I treasure this quiet time when the world is hushed and life stretches out before me, rich with possibility. Snow does that sometimes: it primes me for solitude; for peace; for lack of intrusion. Writing calls. I know I need to heal my mind.
It is shocking to me that I have not written since the end of October, but I did want breathing room. I just feel like I didn’t get my priorities straight. It has been a frustrating month, and so I have repeatedly been asked to walk in faith and know that things are working out despite my inability to see how. (“When you are angry, is it not because someone has failed to fill the function you allotted him?” asks the Course.) I use writing to process life and I haven’t been doing that, so I’ve had to use other coping mechanism. I’ve been leaning on the Holy Spirit a lot.
Thank GOD for my ACIM Group. Leaning on the Holy Spirit is something we talk a lot about in my Tuesday night ACIM group. In group, we are reading the supplement of Psychotherapy. (PSYCHOTHERAPY: PURPOSE, PROCESS AND PRACTICE An Extension of the Principles of A Course in Miracles) and once we are done with that, we will do SONG OF PRAYER, FORGIVENESS & HEALING. We have never read them in group before and truthfully, I have never managed to sit down and read them both through completely, so I am grateful to be studying them. The supplement on psychotherapy begins, “Psychotherapy is the only form of therapy there is. Since only the mind can be sick, only the mind can be healed. Only the mind is in need of healing.”
“Only the mind is in need of healing.”
This is a good thing to remember when life isn’t unfolding as I think it should (a daily occurrence). Daily, I’ve had to remind myself of the Course’s question – “When you are angry, is it not because someone has failed to fill the function you allotted him?” People fail to do what they say they are going to and if I didn’t believe God had/has my back, I’d be super-upset. Fortunately, I know the truth. “Only what you have not given can be lacking in any situation.”
Still, out of habit perhaps, I find myself looking for proof of guilt. “Remember always that you see what you seek, for what you seek you will find. The ego finds what it seeks, and only that. It does not find love, for that is not what it is seeking. Yet seeking and finding are the same, and if you seek for two goals you will find them, but you will recognize neither.” I cannot believe how long it has been taking to finish up the houses that are being flipped and I’m frustrated with my contractor to the point where I am determined I will never again allow anyone else to be the project manager on these projects, which means I am being forced to grow in ways I don’t really want to grow.
If I weren’t well-trained, I might lose my peace completely. Instead, I end up feeling guilty because I know that I have a role in it all. I have to return myself to forgiveness, I have to seek innocence because if I don’t, then I will slip into blame and there is no one to blame but me.
I find myself face-to-face with my own inadequacies. Life does that, of course. Last week, as we began reading IV. The Process of Illness, we read: “As all therapy is psychotherapy, so all illness is mental illness.” Although I have been trying to eliminate things that cause inflammation (sugar, simple carbs) and therefore pain, it is good for me to remember this. Like most humans, I see effects and then go searching for the cause, as if the external was responsible for them. But the Course is there to remind me that this thinking is actually backwards. In Science of Mind, we refer to this as First Cause. It is the recognition that effects that we witness did not appear willy-nilly. We caused them. We attracted them. Each thought that is not one of pure love, of perfect peace is an illusion I made. There are multiple lessons devoted to teaching us this idea. The first fifty lessons are about trying to get us to understand that what we think is happening is actually a reflection of our own minds. As it says in lesson 23, “Each of your perceptions of ‘external reality’ is a pictorial representation of your own attack thoughts. “
Intellectually, I recognize this, but I find myself still wanting to blame “others.”
During high watch, this morning at church, the reading was from page 52 of the Science of Mind textbook; one of my favorite passages:
It has been proved that by thinking correctly and by a conscious mental use of the law of Mind, we can cause It to do definite things for us, through us. By conscious thinking, we give conscious direction to It, and It, consciously or unconsciously, responds to our advance along the line of our conscious, or subjective, direction.
It must and will respond to everyone, because It is Law and law is no respecter of persons. We are surrounded by an intelligent force and substance, from which all things come—the ultimate Essence, in the invisible and subjective world, of all visible and objective forms and conditions. It is around us in its original state, ready and willing to take form through the impulse of our creative belief. It works for us by flowing through us. This law we did not create; this law we cannot change. We can use It correctly only as we understand and use It according to Its nature.
Hence, it follows that if we believe that It will not work, It really works by appearing to “not work.” When we believe that It cannot and will not, then, according to the principle, It DOES NOT. But when It does not, It still does —only It does according to our belief that It will not. This is our own punishment through the law of cause and effect;
What I am seeing in an error in my own thinking. I sometimes revert back to thinking that I need to get other people to change, to do what I need them to do. But in truth it is the “you spot it, you got it” principle. (Or “you smelt it, you dealt it.”) As Holmes says, “if we believe that It will not work, It really works by appearing to ‘not work.’” I am afraid the work won’t be done in a timely fashion. I look for proof of guilt and then, in true ego fashion, I place the blame outside of myself and act like I had nothing to do with it.
“The Law is no respecter of persons.”
Ego plays this game where it waits for “out there” to change, pretending that what is happening has nothing to do with itself. Yet in the end, I find myself forced to sit inside the discomfort. Over and over, I must bring my problems to the Holy Spirit, knowing that as much as I want to dissociate from them and hand them over as if they were just something I stumble across and nothing to do with me, I cannot.
“As you decide so will you see. And all that you see but witnesses to your decision.” Today, I must decide for innocence. I cannot bare to keep assigning guilt for all that really means is that I am not ready to accept my own loveliness.
Namaste, my friends, Namaste.