Letting Go of Shame

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shame1_xenia.jpg by xenia

Letting Go of Shame

So today I awoke in gratitude.  I finally have something under contract and although the money is in the distance, it’s money; a few thousand dollars that I will be able cover my bills and hopefully pay that extra mortgage payment that I had received from Chris and then spent to live on these past two months.  I don’t actually need a ton of money to get by but I do need to pay back Fred here in a few months and it would be nice if I could sell the house formally known as Nikki’s and pay for the water being put in at MJ’s.  Once I get these things cleaned up, then we can get to the point where we are following a budget and clean up the financial mess that has been our lives for so, so long.  (And there it is – that ego idea that happiness and stability are somehow in the future after something happens and not right here, right now.  Sigh.)

I am glad to be taking Maria’s class.  Glad to have her as a friend and that she is a fellow Practitioner and that I can trust her with my deepest shame which is around money.  I don’t know why my deepest shame should be around money, but somehow it is.  I have had money issues my whole life and I never even got to the point where I was supporting myself and not borrow money from my father until I was in my thirties and even then, even now, there is the funding of connecting the water at my son’s house and the repayment of the funds I borrowed to go into real estate investing which is thousands and thousands of dollars.  Thus we return to shame and there you have it.

Maria has no idea what a head case she has taken on by inviting me to take her class.  I have so much work to do in that arena.  Yesterday, Marilyn, my bookkeeper called with a gentle reminder that I need to get my tax stuff into Pat super-soon or she won’t do my taxes for me.  We go through this every year (after filing an extension every year!). The woman in an angel and has seen me at my most broken and shameful and has still been kind and worked with me and someone managed to make it so that I legally do not owe the IRS money.  She is a genius as far as I am concerned and a saint, AND she is cranky and a challenge for Marilyn to work with so I really do need to get my shit together and get my paperwork done in the next week or two or she will have my head on a platter.  Maria has no idea; but if anyone can help me, it is she.

So, rather than focusing on making myself feel bad over this shit, I am determined to heal this shame.  I will drag it out into the light.  I will look at it.  Later today, I am going out with Mike to check out some houses and hopefully, I will get some things under contract for him and also for Anne so that she can start wholesaling a few things and start making some money.  She really is chomping at the bit to flip something and she hasn’t managed to figure out the money aspect which is always the challenge.  I get it.  It’s been the challenge for me too.  I feel bad for my friend Michele because I feel like she got her real estate license and now she is entrenched in that (the dark side she calls it) and that is interfering with her house flipping and I so get it.  I saw her yesterday and she told me her mom says she misses me and I get that, because I miss them too.  Michele would love for me to go work at her brokerage but I can’t because I don’t like the terms her boss is offering.  At least my boss leaves me alone and I do whatever the hell I want and so sometimes I work my ass off and other times don’t.  I think I need to call him again today and see if he has some advice as to how to proceed with the unpermitted casita on the house I just put under contract.  It should be an education.

Good Lord, I sound like a maniac.  Welcome to my messy life.

So focus, girl.  The point here isn’t to create the shroud of chaos that keeps others at bay, it is to stand open and honestly in my shame and my messiness and reclaim the truth of who I am: an innocent child of God who is supported and loved despite all the illusions I have tried to make real.

Yesterday, after our ACRE (investment club) board meeting, I called my friend Alan and went over to see him for a little while.  I hadn’t seen him since before I left for LA last month and we have been missing each other’s company and I have felt bad because I have barely had time to take his phone calls between the issues with Jay’s sciatica and my tooth extraction and all the real estate work.  Anyway, so I went over and visited with him for a little while.  It was lovely.  Alan is such a character and he has some unique belief systems that don’t exactly correlate with mine, although we are on the same page with some things.  The interesting part for me is that if I mention A Course in Miracles, he will go off on a tirade about how wrong the material is, and yet it is those teachings I bring in the back door, so to speak, that he is attracted to.  My idea about it is this: many people cannot hear what the Course has to say because of the way it says it.  It threatens the ego and so one needs to be egoless enough to be able to let go of the need to be right and just hear the love behind the words.  I can do that.  Alan apparently can’t but he soaks up the love I bring to the table as a teacher of God and that is enough.  So I leave mention of the Course out of it.  I mentioned Byron Katie yesterday and he couldn’t hear her either.  Again, no matter.  We still had a lovely visit.  I have just learned to love him for where he is and share my perspective which 99% of the time he is in agreement with.  It is an interesting exercise.  He is slowly letting go of the idea that he is ensconced in the middle of a fierce battle between good and evil and coming to embrace the notion that we are all so loved by the Divine that the struggle of duality can be shelved.  This is a new idea for him.  Letting go of the need to be punished feels a little foreign to him.

So what does it mean for me?  What if I didn’t need to feel bad or shameful?  What if I allowed myself to embrace the notion that I am okay in my brokenness?  Because the truth is that the good I manage to do in the world is not of me – it isn’t my ego-self doing the work because my ego-self doesn’t really know how to do much besides muck it up and feel bad and make a mess of things.  But the part of me that is connected to the Divine can be a good-enough vessel to allow God’s love to pour through.  Sentences like that make me cringe.  They smack too much of Christian Evangelical something or another and all my unhealed religious crap rises to the surface and makes me want to run in the other direction.  Clearly I have work to do if I am to do the work I am meant to do.  All I can say is “I am willing.  Use me, Lord.  I am willing.”  And my fear of being judged as some fanatic rears its ugly head.

I am not here to tell anyone how to be in the world.  I am only here as an example of love.  I think I can do that.  I can choose love even when some part of me (my ego self) wants to choose revenge or attack.  Because I am willing.  It’s my new favorite word.


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