I have had too many days of not writing. If instead of seeing this moment as somehow impinging upon my desires I were to just enjoy it, I would need to let go of guilt and ideas that I “should” be doing something other than what I am doing. Lately, my ongoing theme has been “lean into it.” I am trying to learn to stay with the present moment without judgment, without thinking it should be other than it is. In other words, I am learning not to be resentful towards what is and instead use it to my benefit. This is not my usual MO. I awoke late this morning (7:30-ish) and before I had even finished my first coffee and published the daily prayer for the church website, work was interfering upon my morning routine.
I have been working on this for a while now. When there is a discrepancy between what I want and what I am being pulled towards doing (responsibilities), resentment wants to rear its ugly head. Guilt knocks on my door and slimes the enjoyment. My question is; am I supposed to shelf the desire to enjoy what I was doing before I was so rudely interrupted and tend to my responsibilities, or am I supposed to shelf the guilt that was aroused by feeling as if I “should” be doing something else? I think that I need to write, to answer the call of inspiration. There are too many blogs post that never got finished (or in some cases started) because I opted to be “good” and do what I was supposed to do. But what if learning to listen to the call of love isn’t about doing what anyone else thinks I “should” be doing?
It takes a certain fortitude of conviction to buck the “shoulds” and listen to my muse instead. I truly believe that it is detrimental to one’s well-being to squelch the creativity that wants to be expressed. I think it’s the root of disease. I’m not advocating irresponsibility, but lately, I’ve had too many days of silencing the muse and the problem with that is that when inspiration knocks and you don’t answer the door, it will find another host. It will. Those ideas that want to be birthed will be birthed.
I am way too aware of the damaging effects of crushing dreams. That creative energy that wants to be expressed will turn into cancer or heart disease or some other illness. The body will use that energy to try to get your attention and if it doesn’t succeed at first, it can turn into some pretty serious shit. DNA is potential but ultimately it is the mind that determines how that DNA is expressed.
Lately, I ask myself over and over, what is the impetus? Is it fear or love? I have to listen to the love. The fear is a call for love so the answer is always love.
My husband is convinced he has multiple sclerosis. Now, he may; we will “know” more after he has more tests next week. Genetically is seems it runs in his family, just like type 2 diabetes does. But what I can’t help but thinking is that all of it is calling him toward creative expression. My “job” isn’t to see him as sick or wrong or anything other than the perfect expression that he is. Ego wants to see him as an “out there” kind of thing. Ego projects so seeing sickness in anyone is not seeing the truth, and of course the next thing that wants to happen is to beat myself up for seeing him as “sick” or anything less than perfect.
See, part of the human experience is loving the messiness of it all. Not judging any of it. Not having any idea that it should be different than it is. Lean into it. Allow it to be what it is. I can notice the guilt and still love the impulse that aroused it. That’s good stuff that makes me want to be responsible and it can wait a moment and I can love it for what it is and let go of judging it and just be where I am. The (my) impulse is to try to eliminate ego but those instincts are caused by ego, so the answer isn’t murder; it’s love. Lean into it. Love it for what it is. See how sweetly it wants to protect. Nothing wrong with that. Unnecessary perhaps but it/ego doesn’t know how safe it is/I am. (In my defenselessness my safety lies.)
So, today, for a few moments, I just let myself enjoy the creative desires without feeling bad about it. Perhaps that’s even the point.
A Course in Miracles says,
“The first corrective step in undoing the error is to know first that the conflict is an expression of fear. Say to yourself that you must somehow have chosen not to love, or the fear could not have arisen. Then the whole process of correction becomes nothing more than a series of pragmatic steps in the larger process of accepting the Atonement as the remedy. These steps may be summarized in this way:
What does that mean? Well, to me it means that I give up fighting what is. It is only because I am trying to take pieces out as if there was something wrong with them that causes the “problem.” The only “problem” there is is the illusion of separation. The solution is perfect love – loving it all. Ego. Messiness. Disease. Poverty. Mass shootings. War. All of the miscreations. Bring them home to love.
Love it all. Know it is perfect just as it is. Nothing to fight. Nothing to change. Today I stand in love and allow what is to be.
As it always was. It’s not that the love was missing, it’s that my ideas that things should be different kept me from seeing what was always right in front of me.
And when I do that, I miss out on enjoying it.
Namaste, my friends, Namaste.