5:53 a.m. I can’t actually believe I am up and journaling. I don’t think I went to bed until after midnight, but my body is used to arising at this hour lately and frankly the day I’m anticipating is busy enough that getting up seemed like a good idea.
So there it is – laid out before me like a banquet of possibility. One of the things that I love about my life is that I regularly take time to notice that I am at choice. Getting up or staying in bed was a choice. Everyone is at choice, of course, but I notice it. Sure I get swept into other people’s schedules at times, but even then, I recognize my part in it. I recognize that I agreed. I don’t always agree. In fact, I’m so used to stopping to really consider choices that I once upset a very good friend of mine, who chastised me for ability to say no. I was so wrapped up in considering whether I wanted to partake, that I failed to notice that she was in crisis. I didn’t say I was perfect.
Choice is part of the reason I love being self-employed, but it is also one of the things I am asking myself to look at. I have financial obligations that I am not presently able to meet and so I must ask myself is this commitment I’ve made to myself to write every day one that serves my greater good if I can’t generate income from it? I spend a good three hours a day writing most days (it could be longer if I am being particularly self-indulgent). Most days, if I’m doing it properly, writing for me is self-nurturing. It is sacred space to allow myself the evolution of my path. It is claiming for myself what I have always wanted – to be a writer. I’ve been circling around this for forty years. Wow. That made me want to cry. What program did I buy into that said I can’t support myself through writing? I have made attempts to figure it out many times – every time I’ve been unemployed that is where I’ve always turned. But I’m not very good at the figuring it out part. I need synchronicity (God) to help me because logistics aren’t my strong suit. I seriously need some friend to take me by the hand and say, “Ok, Nancy, this is what we are going to do.”
Oh dear, I am rambling again. On my list of things to do is to reach out to some of our local writers (and by local I really mean Taos – I nearly moved to Taos when I moved to New Mexico – think Natalie Goldberg and Julia Cameron). Anthony Robbins says if you want to learn to do something, find someone who is doing it and emulate them. This is why part of my strategy is to reach out to people that inspire me. Hell, years ago I probably could have done that with Jean Houston (file under missed opportunities) when I got to know her a little at a seminar Jay and I attended some fifteen years back. At the time, Jay and I were both huge Jean Houston fans having read many of her books. One book that she wrote with her husband Robert Masters was Mind Games: The Guide to Inner Space and it demonstrates what a master Jean is at creating possibility, stretching individuals to become a greater version of themselves. It inspired us to consider attending the seminar she was putting on. We both really wanted to be at the seminar, but Jay was having back issues and he doesn’t do that well in crowds; attending was a stretch for him. He was recovering from recent back surgery and feeling challenged by a). sitting for long periods of time and b). being asked to share with strangers.
So, there we are in some conference center on the outskirts of Boston, driving in each of the three days from my father’s house on the North Shore because it is closer than driving in from our place in western Massachusetts. My husband has stepped outside his comfort zone in being there but is in serious pain. It’s late morning on day two (the first full day) of the seminar and we are in jeopardy of needing to blow off the rest of it because Jay can’t deal with it. Jean Houston somehow notices and takes us outside during a break and shows me how to alleviate his pain by sweeping it out of his energy field. Jean and I are then buds the rest of the seminar. This was pre-Facebook but I know she told us she was online every night communicating with people. Seriously, missed opportunity.
So how often does life bring me exactly what I am needing/wanting and I fail to notice because it doesn’t show up looking like I think it ought to. I am so good at attracting what I need but am still mastering the part where it actually gets fleshed into something. I notice this constantly with my real estate business, where the possibility emerges, it starts to become something and then falls apart. What is that? And more importantly, how do I change it? This living in sufficiency stuff demands that of me. I must allow myself to be supported, for I know I am supported, by expecting that it is okay to receive. Somehow that habit of acting as if I have no right hasn’t been healed yet.
How can I have a right to choose, to be at choice each and every day, but not have a right to live in abundance? I think it is simply the habit of allowing myself to be distracted by the fear. Last night, one of my classmate from the Sufficiency class posed the question, “How do we go from faith to fear?” My response was that part of it was recognizing that fear is a prayer for what you don’t want. You have to catch yourself and then stop yourself and focus on remembering that you are so supported that the universe always says, “Yes.”
In E=squared, Pam Grout explains how we are all selecting from the reality we see and then condensing it down into a mere fraction of the available information because we can’t process it all. We decide, based on previous programming, what all of it means. (Lesson 2 from A Course in Miracles.) We literally create what we see because how we see it is a function of the neural pathways we’ve created in our brains through use.
On Grout’s website, under Creativity Exercises, she suggests this: “** Look through the want ads and find a job which you clearly aren’t qualified for, but might like if you were. Compose a cover letter, tell your future employer why you’d like the job. Stick it in the mail with your resume.” My idea is to find a job for a neuroscientist and apply for that. I’m not likely to get the job because of course I have no training in neurobiology but the mere idea of it excites me. Imagine what possibilities it could create. Imagine what conversations it might spark.
So how do I take possibility and free fall into it? I must get past the fear of being seen (which runs a little counter to my purpose to say the least!) and step into boldness. When presented with speaking up or taking action and it feels risky, I must move forward. I must do the thing I don’t want to do to get to the life that wants to live me.
I arrive back at an article I wrote several years back, last time I was trying my hand at this blogging stuff:
The Life that Wants to Live You
What if, instead of living the live you wanted, you lived the life that wants to live you? Is there a difference? I think there probably is for most of us since so few of us seem to live up to our full potential. Sure, it may be a subtle difference, but even those of us who attempt to live the life we want to live still aren’t living the life that wants to live us. At least, it feels that way for me. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can say for myself, that there is definitely a difference and I think the difference is worth pondering.
For if I were to live the life that wants to live me, I would have to discard so much hesitation. I would be required to toss fear into the trash and move boldly and certainly into a greatness I don’t really feel ready for. It’s not that I am trying to live small, but the life that wants to live me has a boldness to it I don’t really recognize. It drags me out dancing in the wee hours of the morning. It never keeps its mouth shut in deference. No, the life that wants to live me doesn’t know how to hold back in fear. It is bold and saucy. It is fearless.
If I kept my eye on that way of being, how would I be different? Can I try it? Can I enter like I own the joint? Can I claim it; wear that life like a new set of clothes and go out for a spin on the town?
I can try. It most assuredly doesn’t hurt to try.