It somehow surprises me not at all that the Course in Miracles lessons for the past two days are about leaning on God. (God is the strength in which I trust and There is nothing to fear.) I just returned from a rehearsal at church for next week’s talent show and, of course, I was/am a nervous wreck. I messed up, due to having the wrong mp3 and thus being thrown by not knowing the version I was singing. I have no idea why I allow myself to get talked into these things, except that it must be something that I need to heal ego. It’s definitely bundled up with ego, as I have caught myself comparing how good I think I am with the other acts. Considering that I never sing anymore and that my voice is way past its prime, I find myself feeling like it is a waste of time and energy. Yet there I was. Lord knows why. Certainly I had better things to do with my day.
It is shocking to me how nervous I get. Today’s lesson says, The presence of fear is a sure sign that you are trusting in your own strength. Certainly this must be true. I immediately remembered how a couple years back, I wrote about the same feeling in Nervous Before the Show: Why Did I Day Yes? As I read through the following day’s post (Lesson in Miracles: Christmas Innocents), I found myself noticing that it is, in fact, ego that creates the nervousness. Ego cares about what people think and about looking good and being better than other people. Ego is not coming from the place of holiness.
Today’s lesson reminds me to “let His strength take the place of your weakness. The instant you are willing to do this there is indeed nothing to fear.”
Every week, during my Tuesday night group. I pray us in and out. I open with an invocation and end with a benediction. I have been doing it for so long now that I no longer get nervous about it. Neither do I think that “I,” as in small self/ego have anything to do with it. I have no idea what I am going to say when I open my mouth. I just channel Spirit and what I say, I say.
That is what I need to do next week when I sing. If I can do that, then there is nothing to be nervous about.
Meanwhile, I need to calm myself down. Rehearsal was two hours ago and my heart is still racing. None of it matters except as a means of healing the piece of me that is still wrapped up in ego. As yesterday’s lesson said, “Who can put his faith in weakness and feel safe?” It is vital that I remember that “I do not know what anything is for.” I know part of me didn’t really want to be there, though I often force myself to do these things so I can become bolder. My new tenant, who came to church for the first time last Sunday, was there and she was in even worse shape than I was, so maybe I was there for her.
All I know is that the day is nearly over and I feel like I wasted it, so I have forgiveness work to do.
Namaste, my friends, Namaste.