This morning I continue my quest for full appreciation and drink in the sweetness of the cool, early morning air. The birds are serenading and even though the background to their song is the highway rumble of trucks, I don’t mind the cacophony. I am just grateful for how sweet the air smells and how the 60° temperature cools the house so nicely that, even though I didn’t open the windows prior to retiring last night (because it was still 87° at 10:30), at 4:30 a.m. the coolness is the perfect natural remedy. Even the nearby highway can’t ruin how aromatic the air smells.
Such is the deliciousness of NOW, free of the fear of not getting; free of the fear of losing. Naked of conflicting ideas, all there is is appreciation.
For a while there, it was popular to repeat “the point of power is in the present moment.” And while it is true, it is shocking how frequently I ignore that truth, but full appreciation has me noticing how I discard the beauty of now. This week, I’ve found myself repeating the minister’s observation about fear from her talk last Sunday (there are two things we fear – losing what we have or not getting what we want). It is really just a fancy way of noticing the failure to be present. I’m in the past or the future, making up tales of horror to fuel my nightmares.
When I bring my awareness back to the present, I notice that it’s much like meditating. My mind wanders off and instead of noticing my breath, I am mentally creating my grocery shopping list. Part of the mind-training of studying A Course in Miracles is about developing the faith to allow God to handle the details. It’s about surrendering the ego’s desire for control and giving up planning. It’s about letting go of those fears.
“15 The mind engaged in planning for itself is occupied in setting up control of future happenings. It does not think that it will be provided for, unless it makes its own provisions. Time becomes a future emphasis, to be controlled by learning and experience obtained from past events and previous beliefs. It overlooks the present, for it rests on the idea the past has taught enough to let the mind direct its future course.”
Voila the fear of not getting what I want.
As I’ve established on more than one occasion in this blog, I’m not a great planner (I’d say see Pantser – except for reasons that have already usurped too much of my morning the actual blog post doesn’t seem to show). At this point, it is easier, more happy-making to just go with what is without the need to make it different.
I do not know what anything is for.
As I notice how frequently the fear of not getting what I want rears its ugly head, I notice that it’s all ego.
“The first corrective step in undoing the error is to know first that the conflict is an expression of fear. Say to yourself that you must somehow have chosen not to love, or the fear could not have arisen.”
I watch where I cling to my stories about how I think things are: my legs hurt from varicose veins, my husband is a diabetic, I have to hustle to make money; etc., etc. I notice how much of it is designed to keep me small (because the power terrifies me a little). I see how the notion that I don’t know what to do blocks my awareness of Love’s presence because ego tells me I should be able to figure it out. But there is no figuring out. There is just allowing. Listening. Stepping back to let God lead.
And forgiveness. Always I must forgive myself for what I think I failed to do.
Yesterday, I watched this video on the Teachers of God website about how to escape the prison of your own mind. And it felt like watching a scene from a movie where the “future” self is sending a message back in time to help the present self.
Yesterday, one of my Course students called me up to share her mind-blowing epiphanies. “I wrote A Course in Miracles,” she said. “I wrote The Way of Mastery. I wrote Science and Health. I am Jesus, and also Pontius Pilot, and Judas. I am all of it.”
“Yes,” I answered.
And also Hilter, and Trump, and Obama, and Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. There is only one of us here. “The Sonship is One,” she said.
She calls me because I understand what she means and perhaps because I need her to help me remember who I am.
When we don’t get what we think we wanted, we are the ones that did that. Not consciously. Not deliberately but energy follows thought and so there you are, gazing directly into the face of your own fears scrambling for someone to blame.
And when you discover it’s all you, the only answer is forgiveness. Not because you did anything wrong, but because God gave us this illusion to help us escape the prison we made.
“1 Forgiveness is for God and toward God but not of Him. It is impossible to think of anything He created that could need forgiveness. Forgiveness, then, is an illusion, but because of its purpose, which is the Holy Spirit’s, it has one difference. Unlike all other illusions it leads away from error and not towards it.
2 Forgiveness might be called a kind of happy fiction; a way in which the unknowing can bridge the gap between their perception and the truth. They cannot go directly from perception to knowledge because they do not think it is their will to do so. This makes God appear to be an enemy instead of what He really is. And it is just this insane perception that makes them unwilling merely to rise up and to return to Him in peace.
3 And so they need an illusion of help because they are helpless; a Thought of peace because they are in conflict. God knows what His Son needs before he asks. He is not at all concerned with form, but having given the content it is His Will that it be understood. And that suffices. The form adapts itself to need; the content is unchanging, as eternal as its Creator.”
What we’ve done is made an illusion and because it is illusion, it can easily be undone. It is as simple of listening to the Holy Spirit. It is as easy of ignoring ego because ego is an illusion. Ego is the outrageous idea that we really could build a fence around our selves and create separation. We can not. We have not.
So I return to the deliciousness of NOW. It is the only place where full appreciation can be experienced. It is where (because I am still delusional about time and therefore about space) fear of not getting what I want can slip away and be replaced by peace.
It is Heaven.
Namaste, my friends, Namaste.