December is here and as the end of the year approaches, I find myself scurrying to remain in peace and not panic. I find myself daily reminding myself to lean into the Holy Spirit and allow God to handle the details. I’m regularly shocked at how much opportunity tries to come my way and how often I miss out because of my failure to act. Yesterday, my boss admonished me for my poor time management skills and as I reflected on it, I wondered where the last few month disappeared to. It’s as if they vanished in the blink of an eye. I renewed my Practitioner license this week and while I was preparing for it, I had to track my service and education units, so I was looking back through my calendar and felt shocked at how much more I had been doing in 2016 than I did in 2017. No wonder I didn’t make nearly as much money.
But the amazing thing about renewing my Practitioner license was that I somehow came away emboldened.
What I mean by that is that all of my life I have struggled with permission. When I returned to college as an adult learner, I did women’s studies and discovered that somehow, I have never received permission to speak up. I was incredibly shy about my own voice – like it wasn’t safe to have opinions. When I graduated in 2001, I was still hiding to a large degree. It was a self-study program where you got to design your own curriculum and pursue the things that interested you and even though I was extremely interested in how we create our own realities, I didn’t want to appear crazy, so I skirted around the edges. I guess I didn’t know about quantum physics back then. Seth was my primary influence and since that was channeled material and seemed “fringe,” I kept it to myself to a large degree. I was A Course in Miracles student back then as well, though I didn’t really understand it, but that too seemed too far out there for me to reveal its influence in my life.
The reason I bring this up is not to divulge my life story but to notice how ego trembles in fear, unwilling to be seen. Of course, this is ridiculous from A Course in Miracles perspective since “the ego is itself an illusion.” But I notice that even now, after all these years and after all the inroads I’ve made into feeling comfortable in my own skin, I still hide to a large degree.
This morning, I sent a kind and respectful email to a former client asking him to refrain from sharing his political perspective with me because I don’t appreciate being inundated with hate promotions. Emboldened. You can have whatever views you want. You can even have a thoughtful discussion with me. But I no longer tolerate allowing the perpetuation of hatred rather than love.
It’s the backlash of living in Trumpville. No longer will women be silenced about inappropriate behavior. We are all having that discussion now. There is not a American woman alive who has not, at the very least, experienced a hug with sexual overtones. In a society that has objectified women for so long, all of us have been treated like a sex toy to some degree. But lately, every time you turn on the news another man is exposed for behaving inappropriately. Woman have been emboldened to speak out because we have stopped caring about what “others” will think. We no longer give a fuck.
While I was meeting with my minister for my Practitioner license renewal, she commented on how I act as if my love of A Course in Miracles was somehow defiance. And she is correct in her perception. Centers for Spiritual Living teach Science of Mind, not A Course in Miracles and even though the founder of our religion died in 1960, well before the Course was published, and Ernest Holmes espoused being “open at the top,” I still feel slightly guilty about being more of a Course girl than an Ernest Holmes aficionado. Becoming a Practitioner was what helped me understand A Course in Miracles, but in some ways, I have, up till now, played small at church. Sure, I hold my weekly ACIM meetings there and most people who know me there know I am a Course freak, but until my meeting with the minister last Tuesday, I still felt like I was somehow breaking the rules.
She gave me permission to be emboldened. Each day, lately, I am a little more willing to be seen.
I’ve never been that good at being controversial. I like to be liked. I hold my cards close to my vest. I rarely openly disagree with anyone even when I disagree.
The other day, a man in our office who is often inappropriate in his hugs, came in to greet me and for the first time, I found myself questioning whether or not I needed to tolerate such behavior. I still didn’t say anything, but my body language was much less willing to allow his behavior to continue. I found myself wondering if I should speak up.
It’s part of the national conversation. We are becoming emboldened.
So, I am becoming a little less shy about being seen, having my voice heard, being judged. Ego cares about being judged, but I am emboldened by the Holy Spirit, so I do not.
Namaste, my friends, Namaste.